Scars
by Fear0001
Summary: Ezra and Kanan have been through alot lately, and the scars of what has happened to them will never heal. But through this pain, they begin to bond, and begin feeling closer then master and apprentice. Ezra feels himself pouring out his deepest troubles to Kanan. Oneshot, in need of ideas.
1. I need ideas!

**Hiya guyz it's Fear here.**

 **I've decided to start a series of oneshot's where Kanan and Ezra are kind of bonding and getting to know each other better. Buuuut, the thing is, I need as much ideas as I can get to begin it. The summary is self-explanatory, but please, requests are what I need right now. Depending on how many requests I get, and how fast I get them, is when I will start the actual first chapter. There should be some fluff in there though, no matter what the idea is :)**

 **Thank you so much!**


	2. Cutting

**Hey Rebels! Don't tell me I took forever to update, because I know I did, but I'd just like to mention how much I loved all your ideas, but ofcourse, I had to pick one. Hopefully, all your ideas will be used, but this one was from blueberry wubber 1516, so I hope this is what you asked for.**

I keep cutting.

The blood oozes out of the deep gashes I've made and lands in drops on the bathroom sink. The pain is blinding and I can still feel the knife against my skin but I feel better. I don't hurt inside anymore. The pain and depression which warped my life has been taken out, gone, though not completely.

Because for every deed, for every act there is a dangerous price to pay. If Kanan found out, if he ever found out, it would all be over for me. he wouldn't ever let me forget this. Him and Hera? Never. Zeb and Sabine? Maybe. But this is just what I have to do. I just can't get over Ahsoka, over Kanan, even if his eyes are healed now. Because what if they hadn't? Then what?

So I keep on cutting.

Don't they ever get curious? Don't they ever wonder where these wounds are coming from? No. My perfect expression, my untruthful, yet realistic words are enough. They believe me, so I don't stop. I will continue until I have no more pain on the inside; I will continue, even if the pain destroys me. only the face that I'm letting Kanan down makes me hesitate before making the next gash, the next scar, the next wound. The next wound. True, Kanan wouldn't ever agree. But would he be disgusted though? Would he judge me for my actions? Or would he be more understanding.

I am taking risks. Even after the stainless steel goes in again and the low gasp of pain comes out, I know it. I want to tell him, to tell Kanan. The knife goes down again, it's a millimetre from my skin before...

"Stop." That one word, that on syllable makes my blood run cold and the knife falls to the ground with a clatter. I close my eyes, biting my lip. please, please, just a figure of my overactive, depressed imagination, please...

"Ezra." Oh God. I feel nausea and hysteria at the same time. Nononononono. No. I breathe in deeply, casually. Too casually. I put my head down. I don't turn. I cover the deep cuts with my fingers, with don't stem the blood. And I just stand there, too terrified to brake the tense silence. "Ezra." Again, that powerful voice, powerful but light, soft, kind. Too much. I don't deserve it. Something inside me clicks, something which sends a wave of self hatred coursing through my blood. Something which encourages me to turn around and face my punishment. Something. I regret my decision almost instantly. Kanan's face is hard and his eyes are cold. He looks behind me at the drops of red on the sink and then at the knife with blood streaming down it. His eyes widen with disbelief. He then looks at my arm, at my blood soaked fingers and I close my eyes, ready for the anger, the shouting, the fury.

It never comes.

I feel strong arms envelope me in a warm hug and I bite my lip confused. Why isn't Kanan angry? Why doesn't he shout, it would be so much less scary if he shouts... He puts his arm around my shoulder and steers me out of the room. And I just continue walking, too terrified to break the dangerous silence.

I feel myself shaking with anxiety and worry as Kanan quickly dials the code to open his cabin. He rubs my arm soothingly and pushes me into the room, ensuring the door closes behind me. I sit down on the bed and close my eyes, as Kanan takes my eyes and surveys the cuts. "Please... Don't be mad." I whisper to him, feeling tears filling my eyes. "I'm not mad." Says Kanan. He puts his finger under my chin and tilts my head up, forcing me to look at him. Tears spill out of my eyes as I lean my head against Kanan's chest, sobbing openly. He put his arms around me, patting my back comfortingly and putting his hands through my hair. "It's over." He whispers. "It's done." I look up.

"Kanan I'm sorry." More tears. "It was just so hard to cope with it all... You, Ahsoka, Maul. And I thought hurting myself would make it feel better." I look down at the ugly scars I've branded into my skin and hiccup. "It did, for a little while. But then after every cut, I began to feel worse, as though I was betraying your trust. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't." Kanan looks me in the eyes, and for a second, I think he's going to say something, before he applies antiseptic and bandages to the cuts. He puts his hands on my shoulders.

"What you did wasn't right." He says. "I am disappointed, but not disgusted. But I forgive you." I look down at my hands. Kanan is disappointed, but then what did I expect? It could have been worse.

Kanan tells me to lay down and sleep in his bed, but before he goes, he kisses my forehead and whispers. "I love you Ezra." To what I reply.

"I love you too dad."

 **This was emotional AND fluffy yay! Remember, I need ideas, so please please request!**


	3. Yellow

**Hey rebels. I'm sorry if this chapter sounds a bit OOC or rubbish, I'll admit, it isn't one of my best either, but I should be updating soon to revive myself :)**

 **I hope you guyz like it, this idea was from Starlight Midnight Moon, so I hope this is what you asked for.**

 _I open my eyes and I'm in an all too, horribly familiar place. I look around and my heart skips a beat in fear and realisation of where I am. Malachor. No... How? I feel around in my pocket and feel- nothing. No lightsaber, no nothing. I look around and suddenly feel and see the warmth, and the red hint of a lightsaber and turn around feeling sick. Inquisitors. The fifth brother and the seventh sister... But wait, aren't they supposed to be dead? My mind jogs back to my Jedi training. There is no death, there is the force..._

 _And now, weapon less, I have become so vulnerable. Is my lightsaber destroyed, where me and Vader fought? I feel cold behind me and a hand on my shoulder and look to the side. I let out a shrill cry and stagger back. Maul? "Join me, young Padawan." He whispers in my ear, in a voice that makes the hairs on my neck stand up. "Join me, and together, we can achieve great things. Break free of your blind master's grip. He is worthless to you right now." I gulp, feeling a lump in my throat. "NO! Never!" I scream in his face. "Then you will die." He taunts, igniting his lightsaber. "Your master and you will perish in this cave. No one will find your bodies." I momentarily frown. Master? Kanan is here? And I turn again to see two dead inquisitors on the floor and a blind Kanan standing beside me. "Kanan?" I gasp. "It's ok." He says. "Relax. It's not real. Don't be afraid." Maul raises his blade and thrusts it into Kanan's head. "KANAAAAAN!" I scream. "Now it's your turn." Maul grins evilly._

I jerk awake and gasp, feeling a mixture of tears and sweat on my face. I see Kanan next to me, his eyes healed with only a faint scar over his eyelids. "Kanan? You...you..." I stare at him, grasping for words. "Why don't you start at the beginning?" Kanan suggests in a concerned voice. I take a deep, shuddering breath and begin. "We-we were back at Malachor, and the inquisitors and Maul where there. He told me to join them. And then you were there, and then... and then..." I can't go on.

"Didn't you hear me tell you that it wasn't real and that you shouldn't be afraid?" Kanan says. I look at his face and frown. "Yes... but I thought it was only part of the dream. How did you know?" Kanan sighs. "Ezra, everyone knows. You were sending out distress waves through the force which woke everyone up. They were pretty bad ones too." "Oh." I say. "I'll leave you to sleep now." Kanan says and goes out of the room. "If you need anything, ask me."He reminds.

I slide off my bead and enter the refresher, locking the door behind me. I know Kanan said it wasn't real, but what if it was? What if it was a vision? I moan, and cover my face with my hands. My head aches and I feel dizzy. I lean my head against the cool wall and think. Everything's wrong. My life, my hopes, my dreams... I'm turning into such a bad person! And if to clarify this statement, when I see my reflection I almost pass out. Yellow. My. Eyes. Are. YELLOW. I moan again and unlock the refresher door, feeling tears collect in my ugly eyes. Maybe I could hide them? Wear contacts? I think I saw some in the med-bay, and so, wiping my eyes, I try to quickly rush into it without being seen.

"Ezra? Where are you going?" I freeze. Shoot. I'd forgotten about Kanan. I'm about to respond with something cool and snarky, but then the pain and depression of everything just overflows and I burst into tears. Kanan rushes towards me and hugs me tightly. "Sorry, sorry!" I exclaim through sobs. Kanan pushes me into the med-bay and lifts me onto a bed. "Ezra, what's going on?" He asks gently. "Kanan, my... my... MY EYES ARE YELLOW!" I wail. Kanan rubs my shoulder soothingly and I lean my head against his shoulder, hastily wiping my eyes. "I know." He says. I look up. "HUH?" I say. "I said I know." Says Kanan. "It didn't make a difference to me. At first I was shocked but then... something changed. I don't feel angry anymore. I know the trauma you suffer, I know the pain you feel. I know. I know that it's you behind those evil eyes. I know that Ezra, my Padawan, is still somewhere beneath that mask of sorrow and hurt." Kanan hugs me tighter and wipes my damp eyes. "I know you haven't really changed. And I will do anything to bring you completely back. I will help." He pulls me in front of him and smiles encouragingly. "I still see YOU Ezra. Even if the others don't." And I believe him. He hugs me one more time and I smile.

 **So there it is! Remember to review, to fave, to follow and of course, request! Hopefully that was fluffy enough for you all XD**

 **-Fear**


	4. Unwanted

**I'm sorry rebels, it's really been a long time. There's been a lot going on.**

 **This idea is from starwarsrebels (guest)**

 **Warning! This chapter contains negative, suicidal thoughts, self harm and suicide attempts. If you really hate that kind of thing than don't read. I know, sounds depressing, but I'm not feeling at my best at the moment... with... stuff going on, so yeah.**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

Little things have started to get at me. At least I hope they're little things. But they aren't. I know the crew is getting angry with me and I know they don't want to be involved in my problems. But that doesn't mean I don't have any. I don't have parents, a home, I don't have anyone. I was finally happy when they took me in, Kanan and everyone. I trusted them and they hurt me. They hurt me so bad.

I walk through the hangar and Zeb laughs. He never misses a chance to mock me, my height my stature... Hera tells me to ignore it, that he's just having fun, but I know that if I mock him, he'd hit me really hard. The bruises I get.

And then there's Jedi training. Kanan criticizes me, haves a dig at me... he says I'm under confident, but criticizing and jeering at my mistakes doesn't boost my confidence it makes it fall. I hurt, hurt, hurt. I hurt so badly. And it gets from bad to worse. I heard them, the crew, talking about me. The things they said were horrible. They betrayed me. I can't trust them anymore, least of all, Kanan. I really hoped he would play the role of a father, but it hasn't worked out like that.

I'm alone, swarmed by my own depressive, negative thoughts. My fault... this is entirely my fault. I should have stayed on the streets and not interfered with things that weren't my business. Maybe then I wouldn't be here.

So I cut. My sleeves get longer, I get thinner, smaller, quieter... yet no one notices. Why would they notice? They act like I not here. I'm hated. They hate me, and I hate them. I'm surrounded, yet alone.

The blood trickles down my wrist, yet the pain comforts me. Satisfying... yet not satisfying enough.

Which is why I've packed my stuff. Kanan wants me out. He wants nothing to do with me. Fine. I'll go.

XXX

The coast is crystal clear, so I get out of the room, the ship. I get out and I run. I don't hear any footsteps behind me, I don't hear the panting breaths, as I'm too busy with my own thoughts. I head straight for a road, still oblivious by the following footsteps. I'm useless, a piece of dirt on the back of someone's shoe. So that piece of dirt is ready to die.

I close my eyes and breathe heavily, calmly. Maybe I will finally be able to rest in peace. I make my jump.

A hand closes around my arm, pulling me up and my heart skips a beat.

"Ezra!" my eyes are glued shut and tears clog beneath them. "Look at me!" I feel myself being shaken really hard and I whimper. I open my eyes and see Kanan's face, cold and hard, staring at me. "What did you try to do?" He says in disbelief, a look of horror etched upon his face. He isn't shouting. Why won't he shout? If he screams or shouts at me it would be less scary. It would be less scary if he even hit me. His small, quiet voice means anger. Danger. I look down.

"I'm sorry Kanan." I whisper. "But I don't want to do this anymore." Kanan looks at me for a second before steering me towards a quiet, deserted alleyway.

"And you thought... _killing_ yourself... would be the answer?" He just stares. He grips my arm and I hiss in pain. He looks down at the blood soaking through my shirt and pulls the sleeve up to see the cut marks of the razor etched deeply into my skin. Kanan facepalmes. "Ezra..." He begins, but pinches the bridge of his nose and turns around to walk away. Without thinking, I burst into tears, and Kanan turns back around in surprise. "Don't go!" I wail. Kanan walks towards me and sighs.

"Ezra, you do realize this isn't acceptable." I look up at his face.

"You don't understand." I sob. Kanan rubs my arm softly. "Then explain." He says gently.

"Everything was too much." I blurt. "I didn't want it anymore. The pain and suffering I felt. The way I felt as though I wasn't wanted... it was too much. Too hard for me. I wanted to end it." I close my eyes. "Please... don't be mad." Kanan hugs me.

"Oh? Mad doesn't even account for it." I giggle weakly. "But Hera needs to know." I yelp.

"What? Can't it just be our secret?" I look up and give Kanan my most biggest puppy eyes and he raises his hands in defeat.

"Ok, ok. Whatever you say." I laugh and hug Kanan again.

" You're the best."

 **Too fluffy? Oh well...**

 **Not too much. XD**

 **Remember, I love to hear your reactions, as well as your ideas. And yes, I read all of your comments :)**

 **-Fear**


	5. Announcement, well, kinda

**Hehe, hiya rebels! So, yeah, this isn't an update. DON'T GO.**

 **This is actually about my previous chapter. Yeah, i know what you were all thinking. I read you're reviews, I read back on the chapter, and that was what I was thinking. So, first a couple of , um... guest review replies:**

 **Midnight Luna: Hey! Sorry, sorry for the angst, i was having a hard time OK?**

 **Guest: I dunno, i was looking at Kanan from another angle XD**

 **Ok, i was SOOO debating to delete that last chapter, but then I was like, naw, why? But, i have something to say.**

 **If you have ever felt like that, like cutting, suicidal, depressed, e.t.c, if you have attempted suicide, if you self halm, if you have a mental disorder such as anorexia, PM ME. ANYTHING, ANXIETY, WHATEVER, PM ME. EVEN IF ITS JUST, I DUNNO, SCHOOL, WHATEVER, PM ME.**

 **PM ME PLEASE, PLEASE, PM ME. I DONT CARE IF I GET 100 PM'S, I WANNA HELP, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU. YEAH, I'M TWELVE, BUT I GOTTA TALK TO YOU, SO YOU PM ME, PM ME, IF I GET NO PM'S, I WILL KNOW THAT SOMEONE IS LYING, SO I BEG YOU TO PM ME. IT MIGHT TAKE FOREVER, I DAY, A MONTH, A YEAR, BUT YOU WILL GET A PM AND AN EMAIL. JUST PM ME AND TELL ME WHATS WRONG, PLEASE PLEASE.**

 **xx Fear**


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